Overcoming Self-Doubt

Apr 27, 2020

 by Max Green

Where does your confidence come from? That’s a peculiar question, usually accompanied by an equally vexing answer. For most people, confidence comes from a history of doing that thing really well, from the encouraging words of loved ones, or from persevering through life’s difficult moments. Each of those sources of strength gave me an abundance of confidence as a teenager and into my late twenties. The problem with false confidence as I had, is that the first time you don’t do that thing really well, the first time someone is critical of you or your efforts are met with silence, or life becomes a little too heavy in a moment, all confidence is gone.

I believed I could do anything in high school, so I did. And for years it seemed as if I had a gift. In fact, I heard people say that to my face, and when they didn’t know I was listening. Because people in my community thought I was special, they opened doors which unlocked possibilities I didn’t earn and surely didn’t deserve. While this source of confidence was abundant, the biggest source of confidence in my life was the encouraging love of my parents. They poured love into me and it was my super drug. Their love didn’t just make me think I was smart enough or talented enough to do anything I set my mind to; their love made me believe I was good enough to be loved. That was everything to me.

When they died I wasn’t ready to let them go, and I also wasn’t strong enough to not crumble when they couldn’t exist as I wanted them to exist for me. I needed to hear them speak words to me to be encouraged and to have confidence. When my mother died, the lights went out. When my father died, everything became pitch black.  

That pain was altogether different from anything I had ever felt before. That, and the constant terror of wondering what other changed I would experience, left me fearful of everything and everyone. As a result, I pulled back from my friends and family. I quit my job and moved home. I stopped believing I was good enough and started down a dark and difficult path, all because the self-doubt and criticism that I lived with everyday became too powerful for me to deal with alone. But I didn’t get help.

Eventually it became clear that no one was going to force me to snap out of it. I really wanted to have confidence that didn’t depend on the approval of others. The truth is I still struggle with attaching my own value to the opinions of others. My mind still goes through a dozen “what if’s” if someone is noticeable silent, or things shift suddenly, or sometimes if I just have a bad day. What if something is wrong? What if I they are mad at me? What if I fail at this? What if I make a mistake? What if I lose this person? When this type of thinking has been commonplace for a while, it’s difficult to make a shift to a better way of thinking. But it’s worth it.

These are the things that help me the most, and that end up helping me in general.

1. Change your thoughts. Most often, it’s my own thoughts about myself that harm me the most. When I can shift my thoughts form negative to positive, I’m less stressed and I get more done in a day, instead of worrying about things that might not actually be a problem.
2. Be grateful! I am grateful for the little things and the big things. My expressions of gratitude are silent prayers in my heart, and conversations with friend and family. I write, although not as often as I should, and could spend more time giving time to help others. This is still a work in progress for me.
3. Someone once told me forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s an action. You just do it, even when it’s difficult or you don’t want to. I’ve struggled with this. I didn’t believe I was holding on to situations or difficulty, but I was. The hardest part of silencing my doubt has been forgiving myself for not loving me enough to do this hard work a long time ago. Again, forgiving myself and others, and asking to be forgiven are an ongoing process for me. And, again, it’s worth it.
4. Don’t stop trying. When you start the work of silencing your doubt, you won’t always feel like you’re winning. Even then, don’t give up. It’s worth it, even if others don’t see it, or if you don’t stop every negative thought, or if you don’t do that thing really well the first or one hundredth time around. Believing in yourself sometimes means encouraging yourself. Reminding yourself to keep going a little bit farther down the road on your journey. Yes, because it’s worth it.

False confidence left me as soon as I was on my own. I’m alive today because of the moments someone else was there, and because of the moments when I decide to love myself. I’m still doing it, because I’m worth it.

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